What Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse Taught Me About Being A Parent
And how some of its best moments are the quiet ones
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse is my favorite film of the year so far.
If you haven’t seen it, here is my quick pitch for you to see this on the biggest screen possible, as soon as possible, before I get into any spoiler-y type thoughts.
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (ATSV from here on out) is pushing the boundaries on every conceivable level. This is some of the greatest animation I’ve ever seen in my life. It has become a common refrain for those discussing the film, but it’s not hyperbole to say that almost every frame of this thing could be hung on the wall as their own pieces of art. The amount of time and care that all of the different artists and animators spent on this film is readily apparent.
The score by Daniel Pemberton is vibrant and alive. Each character has a unique theme, often blending different eras and styles of music to reflect the personality in question. Not only does the music sound amazing, but it helps tell the story and deepen our understanding of and feelings about these characters.
The story, the writing, the performances, the mix between innovative action sequences and powerful emotional character moments all helped make this one of the most satisfying experiences that I’ve had in a theater this year.
If you haven’t seen the first one, you should watch it. It’s amazing. And then set your expectations even higher and go see the follow-up on a huge screen with lots of people and have an amazing time.
That’s the pitch.
*Spoilers starting now.*
I’ve seen the film twice so far, the second time with my four year old son (who loved it by the way), and while there are so many amazing things we could talk about, I want to dig into some of the themes that resonated for me, and how some of the most powerful moments were the quiet ones between Miles and his parents, and how that thread runs through the entire film.
The key scene for me is between Miles and his mother. There’s already been tension between Miles and both parents as the responsibilities of being Spider-Man have made it difficult for Miles to show up in these other areas of his life. In many ways this is getting at a core part of this character that I wasn’t sure we were going to see, but the movie illustrates the struggle well. Miles is trying to be everything to everyone, so while he is prioritizing the higher stakes tasks of Spider-Man, many of the more mundane parts of his life are suffering. We see this in the beginning as Miles is late for a meeting with his parents and guidance counselor, and then again when Miles fails to show up on time to the barbecue with the cakes, because he has to do lots of superhero stuff on the way.
This leads to the conflict with his parents at the party as Miles’s frustration also finds it voice, as he is trying to do everything he possibly can, and continually comes up short.
All of that brings us back to the quieter moment between Miles and his mom. She essentially tells him that she is worried about him going out into the world. She has spent all this time taking care of this child, making sure he felt loved, accepted, and belonging, and she is worried that the world will not give that to him. We hear similar sentiments from Miles’s dad, and from Gwen’s dad at different points of the film (they both say some variation of “you think you have parenting figured out and then the kids grow up”).
This is what the movie is about for me. It’s about belonging. It’s about acceptance. And we see this mirrored in the higher stakes superhero parts of the film as well. The central conflict between Miles and Miguel (and his Spider-People) is that Miles is an “anomaly” and doesn’t “belong” anywhere, and certainly not as Spider-Man. The emotional resolution of that storyline is in many ways a pay-off to what is set up between Miles and his parents earlier in the film.
We also see this reflected in Gwen’s story. Her arc is essentially about her revealing her identity to her father, his initial rejection, subsequent acceptance, and how all of that impacts Gwen.
She is seeking belonging and acceptance from her dad, and how she does and does not get it affects how she shows up everywhere else. I find it fascinating that many online are seeing Gwen’s story specifically as a trans allegory (or explicitly as Gwen being trans), with Miles’s story also having similar elements of “coming out” to his parents. As far as I know, the filmmakers have not made any concrete confirmations about Gwen’s identity as a trans person (although I do find the color theory of Gwen’s universe, her hair, her outfit, the “Protect Trans Kids” flag in her room, and the trans flag patch on her dad’s uniform pretty compelling), however I think the larger story of acceptance, belonging, and whether or not you feel safe to be your true self with your loved ones is universal to growing up whether you are part of the LGBTQI+ community or not (Happy Pride month by the way!).
And this was the irony of Miles’s mother’s speech. She is worried about the world accepting her son, and yet he is still worried about whether or not his parents will accept him. This in spite of the fact that she feels like she is the one person who has loved and accepted and fostered belonging for him the most.
This was mirrored in a moment earlier in the film between Miles as Spider-Man talking to his dad after their first fight with the Spot. Miles’s dad is wondering why Miles won’t talk to him, and Miles (as Spider-Man) suggests that maybe he is afraid to talk to him, and his dad’s response is to raise his voice and say something to the effect of “why in the world would anyone be afraid to talk to me?” This moment is played for laughs, but I think it’s actually quite tragic when you pair it with the conversation between Miles and his mother, and the interactions between Gwen and her father. In each case, these parents think they have fostered an environment of trust and acceptance. And both of these kids are scared to be honest with their parents about who they really are.
I watched all of this with my son, who is too young to understand any of this stuff in the movie (he was probably too young for all of it, even though he loved it), and I was reminded of the kind of parent I want to be for him. I want him to know that he is truly loved and accepted by me, and that he belongs wherever he wants to belong. And I was reminded that this takes more than lip service, but an actual commitment to letting our kids walk their own paths, and respecting their autonomy as actual people separate and apart from us as parents.
Because they can tell the difference.
They know when we say we accept them, while secretly trying to steer them into becoming whatever or whoever we want them to be.
So while this film is an incredible visual feast, full of jaw dropping sequences, and laugh out loud moments, what is staying with me are these quieter moments, and their real world application for me as a dad, as I get up at 6:30am and my little guy wants to put on his Spider-Man costume and play.
I hope he’ll grow up knowing he doesn’t need a mask with me.
Saw it today with my kid and three classes of Grade 6 students and yes, all of this. I wish all films were as well made as this one and as clear about the stories they are telling.